So it's that time of the month again when I obsess about the way I look. Am I too fat, am I too short, do I need a hair cut, should I buy more anti-acne soap, am I eating right, should I eat less, should I exercise more, why don't I look like a supermodel (ie 1% of the population), etc, etc. Hormones. I blame hormones. Deep down inside, I know I'm attractive and I know I can be sexy, so why do I worry? Hormones, I tell you. Or a primal sense of competition. Ah, the human animal. Someday maybe the apes will evolve and we will devolve. Or maybe we'll nuke ourselves into near nothingness and we'll have to start all over again, calling our near destruction a war of the gods.

What is it that causes us to create gods in our image who then create us in their image? Is it a desire to shed this mortal skin, the want to believe that there is something beyond the daily physical existence that is nothing more than an elaborate song and dance for necessary sustenance? Or did the gods create us so that they could be amused? If so, why do gods die out of existence? Wouldn't they keep reminding us of their presence?

Heh, being in pagan rituals occasionally makes me wax theological. I wish I was more tolerant of the pagan community at large. So much of the community seems contrived. I want to believe that they believe in what they preach, but how can they (we) expect christians to be tolerant of pagans when many pagans seem to take great pleasure in tormenting christians and throwing their doctrine in their faces? I'm tired of listening to the "they burned us at the stakes" argument. Why must faith be based on retaliation for past hatreds? I heard someone at the ritual say, "You mean I have to stand in the rain in order to meet the earth mother?" Funny, I thought we were trying to get back to the earth. Poor urban pagans with their muddy SUVs, out of range cell phones and rain-wet perms. Maybe I'm just arrogant, thinking of my barefooted days as a kid, hiking muddy trails to get to the best strawberry-guava trees, diving for limu and spear fishing on the reef, and showering in the rain to wash away the ocean salt. Maybe surviving two hurricanes, numerous tropical storms and multiple thrashings by 8-foot surf has given me a deeper respect for the forces of the earth. I don't know. I just get the feeling that there are pagans out there who are pagan just because their parents are christian and they want to freak them out. They talk the talk, but they're so self-focused that they don't understand what respect for the earth and its creatures means.

But here I am judging other people--throwing the first stones and all.

Hormones. I blame hormones.


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